In a Shrine at 97

Joy Booker was 96 when she begrudgingly moved in with her daughter and son-in-law. She was having a hard time getting around alone in her house , and couldn't drive anymore. Joy was feisty and full of faculties otherwise. Her daughter , Sadie, had just felt like it was time.

Sadie and her husband, Clip, had just put on a new addition. Their 24 year-old son, Jude, had recently moved back home after graduating from college and doing a short stint with the Peace Corps. With the extra space, Joy fit in fine. Plenty of bathrooms, plenty of sitting room, plenty of shelving and flat surfaces to create a shrine.

Two weeks after Joy settled in, she was awakened by her daughter's piercing screams. She tells me the story frequently now.

"I heard Sadie's screams. I had never heard screams like that before. I won't ever forget that noise." she tells

When Joy tells the story, she seems somber, but still sparked with vitality and light. The twinkle doesn't quite disappear as she tells of her grandson's death.

"He was such a good boy, so full of life! He had so many friends, God love him...everyone loved Jude."

When Joy tells me the story, we are both standing in the shrine. The house is now Jude's shrine. Not a flat surface or space of wall is without a photo of Jude.

"I've never seen a kid that had so many pictures taken of him. Our baby..my dear son..." Clip choked back the tears, then lost the battle while I was dusting the photos on the window one day.

Clip picked up one with Jude crouched in his room, in a toddler-sized baseball outfit, hat askew , a devilish smile. Jude was brandishing a mini bat.

"This one is my favorite." he said, touching his calloused finger to Jude's image.

I smelled the alcohol on Clip's breath. It was 10:00am. It was three days before the year anniversary of Jude's drinking accident.

"July 22nd! That date will always be a nightmare date. When I see it coming on the calender, I can barely hold on. July 22nd! July 22nd." He groaned

I felt like I was punched in the stomach. July 22nd was my birthday. I must have looked pale, because Clip stopped and said.

"I'm so sorry, burdening you with all this...are you ok?"

"No, no...you are NOT burdening me. I'm just so sad for you...and for everyone, Clip, for everyone." I said firmly

I was sad for Sadie, who, a year later, could not clean out her son's room. I was sad for Clip who fondled Jude's photos, I was sad for Jude, who was at his welcome home party from the Peace Corps, drank too much, passed out and choked on his own vomit. The party was 5 houses away from his parent's.

I am forever sad for Joy, sitting in "The Shrine" wondering why she is still here and her grandson isn't.

"God must have been done with Jude and not with me." she said while flipping the tv stations with the jumbo-buttoned clicker.

"Sometimes I can't understand....what am I good for now? Why didn't God take me? Look at me...just a bump on a chair." she said smiling

I couldn't smile, I was holding back my tears. With every photo, I dust them with regret for the family. Here is Jude with his first puppy, his cousins, his baseball team. Now Jude is at the prom, at graduation and standing with his arm around his proud father.

Jude was an only child. He was adopted when he was an infant. Sadie and Clip tried for so long, but couldn't have their own. Jude was their dream, their gift, and their intentional pride.

Jude on the ski mountain with his buddies, Jude in his uniform at college, Jude on the beach tan and smiling, Jude walking a dirt path in Chile, Jude kissing his newborn nephew, Jude smiling into his mother's eyes.

Joy likes the one of Jude as a 1 year-old sitting on her lap while she read to him. It sits on the table next to her chair.

"I still love to read!" Joy says, showing me the racy novel with the large print.

Why is Joy still here, in the shrine? I can't answer that question. It seems the largest of ironies, conundrums, mysteries of life. Mysteries of death are worse. Old people eventually die. Young people aren't supposed to. What does Jude think about this. He knows the truth, I'm sure.

Jude, please whisper it in your grandmother's ear one day soon. She's in the shrine all day long, mostly alone; just you and her. She wondering .