The Closet

Do you remember "The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis? Well, if you are not familiar, the story goes like this: Some kids find a closet (wardrobe) , they open the door and walk into a amazing fantasy world. Today I found a closet, walked in, and found an amazing nightmare.

I should be more precise in explaining that under no condition could I have ever actually walked into that closet. I simply could stand outside of the closet and stare in with my mouth open. My job was to clean it out. Like every job in Cara Purchase's apartment, it was an outrageous undertaking involving many Hefty Flex lawn and leaf garbage bags. Cara is a compulsive shopper.

At 63, Cara is the youngest resident in the upscale assisted living facility. After falling off a horse, onto her head when she was 8, Cara has had an "assisted" life. Living her entire life off a trust fund, arrangements have been made and Cara can do most everything. She can drive (sort of ), can shop (excessively), can knit (planning to knit a blanket to cover the earth), and can sew (another earth-covering garment.)

Cara can take care of herself and her cat...to a point. She is a very large woman and has some medical issues including short term memory loss. She needs assistance remembering to eat a regular meal, and take her meds. She needs help cleaning. These items are all taken care of by the assisted living facility. Shady Acres does a great job. Cara likes it there.

I was hired by Cara's brother and sister-in-law, Red and Queeny Hobby. Red grew up watching over his sister. Lately, the job has been too much. The excessive quantity of stuff that Cara purchases and deposits in her apartment on a daily basis is killing Red. He just couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't walk in after a month and see the damage. I was hired to be Cara's organization guru. I been there every week . It's been a hefty (no pun) job.

The first day I was there, I took out 5 Jumbo lawn and leaf bags of stuff...and I had only organized her tiny galley kitchen and table.

"Cara, do you think you'll need 15 cans of powdered lemonade mix?"

"Shit, heavens, hell ...oh sorry...no! Do you know anyone that could use them?" she'd spurt

I was instructed by Red that I DID know someone who would take every last THING in that apartment. Cara was a good-hearted and giving soul. She loved the idea of donating her stuff to someone who really needed it.

"I want to de-crapify this joint, ya know? I have a plan to simplify!" Cara instructed

I said 'Well, I have a place where I can take anything you want to get rid of!"

After the first visit, I went to a food pantry with 4 large trash bags full of non-perishables.

After the second visit, I went to the homeless shelter with many tubes of toothpaste, and hemorroidal creme. I also had endless bottles of vitamins, shampoo, deodorant. I had razors, and dental floss, and soap and laundry detergent, and hand creme and foot powder. The director of the shelter was speechless.

"Who collected all this for us?" he asked

I just smiled. It was too long of a story. How can you explain an obsessive/compulsive disorder casually. It's sometimes just too weird.

400 mechanical pencils, 30 little fat notebooks, 28 word-find books, 7 "grabbers", 250 pens, 10 rulers, 17 brand new wallets. Why? I can't ask her and I can't explain. She doesn't know why she buys, she's not apologetic, she wants to give her apartment a "crap-ectomy".

The most amazing thing is the yarn. She's on her fourth baby blanket this month...for the poor babies. She brings them to the senior center , she says. She always has to stay stocked-up with yarn, for the poor babies. Today when I came in, 3 months after I started; Cara explained that she was on her fourth baby blanket this month for the poor babies. The number never changes. She never finishes a blanket. In the meantime, I've removed over 300 skeins of yarn . Cara has donated them to my church. Last week they started a prayer shawl ministry.

It's been a long 3 months as I've worked my way toward Cara's walk-in closet. I never had opened the door before today. Cara said she had a few things that she needed sorted and hung up in there.She said I could work on it one day when I got a chance. Today was the day, I opened the door and I wanted to evaporate. From floor to ceiling of this huge 6 X 10 foot space were mounds of trash bags. Only a magician would know how she hoisted them up on top of each other. Intermingled within trash bags were miltitudes of smaller Walmart and CVS bags, and loose clothes and coats and shoes, and oh yes...yarn.

"Oh shit, hell, oh.........sorry, shit! We really need to de-crapify in there!" exclaimed Cara as she sat heavily on her bed.

The closet.

The closet!